Maybe today will be the day I won’t feel alone. As I change my son’s diaper for the 5th time this morning, maybe it will be different. This feeling of complete emptiness inside will eventually go away, and I will be able to focus on my baby. He needs me after all, right?
Everything I go through is for him. Or so I convince myself. Is this identity crisis worth it? My day is now so routine I can do it with my eyes closed. The newborn phase has worn off, and with it the novelty of having just given birth to a human. I have a toddler now.
He demands way more attention, somehow, than his infant self did a few months ago. He needs playtime, and quiet time, and time outs, and more food… Food I don’t know how to cook. He needs me to parent, and I am going through a major problem as is.
I am not who I was. Who I was? I was a legal assistant. I was a friend. I had the ability to leave and go as I pleased. I knew the transportation system like the back of my hand. I knew restaurants and hot spots, and clubs and … bars…
Now… I know where the EarlyON centre is in my city. I know where the mall is. Is that what my knowledge has come to? Where is the… me that’s not a mother?
Truth be told, nothing much has ACTUALLY changed. I know the same things. I have the potential and capacity to know way more. But my ability to just be free is gone. My ability to only care about myself has gone. Everything I do is for Zack. Literally. I pee on his schedule because sometimes if he’s going through a particularly shitty phase of teething… I don’t pee. And that, that’s okay.
I love him. I love my husband. Both of my boys. Like crazy. But, I want to love myself, and I can’t. I don’t know how. So I sit here questioning whether I ever actually truly loved myself. What does that feel like? Anyone?
Mom's Last Nerve 